Monday, July 21, 2014

Say the Word Faggot

We have all been in that place of fear, the place where our very identity is used against us. We can all remember the physical reaction a verbal assault can have on our body, especially a young, defenseless one. It is as a group that we heard your dad call out to you in the unthinkable, it was all of us whose face got red and whose stomach ached with swelling tears. I know it was every single one of you that heard that boy on my school bus taunt me. "Hey faggot! We should beat the shit out of this gay faggot." And, I know that you all felt the same searing pain in the back of your head that I did.
"Faggot" is a word that I went years without hearing. Though it was so prevelent in my early teens and throughout my grade school experience, I hadn't experienced  severe hate speech in high school. So, it was a surprise to me when I was launched into the middle of so many homosexual men in college, who were using the term at liberty.
I was sitting in the Music Building at Ole Miss when I heard it for the first time. An extremely effeminate friend shouted it down a hallway to me, across several different people heads. "Hey FAGGOTS, wait up!" The word stopped me dead, filling my chest with hot air, and widening my eyes. When I recanted the story to others, I said the word nervously. Quietly, I retold the story of how a friend egregiously outed me and with a word that has only ever caused me pain. Not like my flamboyant friend, who had used it with ease and ownership.
Ownership. I said a word out loud that was not mine. I filled my mouth with every bad taste of my childhood, of every recess and ride on the bus. I allowed myself to be on the other side of my personal experience. I allowed myself to repeat the label that had caused me to overeat for comfort as a child, to cry in public bathrooms, and to hate my very being. I said the word "faggot" and I did not die.
I said "faggot" in front of a group of people who happened to care about me, who loved my charm and quick wit. I identified as my worst nightmare, and people weren't repulsed. It wasn't negative to be a faggot, it had not been all along.
The truth is that no one can use a label weapon against you if you know how you identify. If they speak the truth, then that is who you are and there is not shame there. If they happen to be incorrect, than that's their war to battle through. To live a free life, at times you have to agree with your antagonist. They were right, I am a faggot.

Night Nots

I saw you in my dreams
and you were not the right man.
Because when I saw you in my dreams,
you were the right man.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I Will Love You

I'll love you
When the sky is blue
When I look up and all the stars are new
When I remember us and all the dreams we grew
I'll be standing there and I'll be loving you
And I'll imagine, for me, you love me too


Prosperity does not belong
to those praying for it,
only those who are working
towards the sun. Pulling their face
up above those clouds, and smiling
as sweat bleeds into their tired eyes.
Success taste like yesterday's
cold bitterness, which you swallowed
before it painted you with failure.
Everything is just as it appears,
use that to your advantage.

Monday, July 14, 2014

I am the Moon.

I used to think
that glimmer at night was the moon,
some big force in the sky
to guide me home,
to call me in with the tide.
One day, I woke up
and realized that I had dreamt it,
that all of it was a dream. I realized
that I was the moon,
that the light that guided me through
the night was me.
I've never been more scared.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Brand New.

Satisfaction does not exist,
just unfound opportunity.
It is our nature to look up,
or suffer self-brutality.